The wait begins!

I had my IUI around 12:30 (they were running behind). It went perfectly. The total count was 119 million, with 33 million motile sperm. Last time, it was 77 million motile (220 million total), but 33 is still above average. The nurse said our chances are in the 30s (%). I like that chance! I'm really hopeful for this cycle and I can't wait to test. So here's the plan: the HCG shot I got yesterday will make a pregnancy test positive for about 8-9 more days, so I'm going to test in 7 days. It will be positive, and it will be from the shot, not from being pregnant, but I'm ok with that. I will test every day until it turns negative, to make sure it's all out of my system. Then I'll keep testing until it's positive again, or AF shows (or my temps drop). That's the plan, and I'm sticking to it!

I've been shot!

With an injection of HCG! YAY!! IUI tomorrow morning at 11:30. I have to be there at 10:30 so they can start thawing. The nurse said I have a really good chance this month, since I just had surgery. I'm giddy with excitement. Chris is, too. He couldn't be there, so I called him when they came in to tell me. I think he may be just as excited as me!

We have growth!

My dominant follicle is 14x14 now! That's 4mm of growth in 2 days. YAY!! I'm going back on Friday for another scan. They expect to see it at 18 by then. If it is, I'll get an HCG shot (at noon) to make ovulation happen in 24-36 hours, then have the IUI Saturday morning. The sperm will be there waiting when the egg pops. I'm so excited! It's working!!

Happy Birthday to me!

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to. And I think I will. This has GOT to be the crappiest birthday I've ever had. Chris forgot, no one wanted to go to lunch with me, and the follicle scan I scheduled during lunch (since I had no one to eat with) went terribly. I got 2 days of 'high' readings on my fertility monitor, which in the past meant I would get a peak tomorrow and ovulate within 24 hours. I went in and they found 10 follies under 10mm and one measuring 11x7 (average 10). This is bad. A mature follie is around 20. They grow 1-2mm/day, so that means I won't O for at least 5 more days, possibly 10. While that's normal for non-Clomid cycles, it's not this cycle, since I'm on Clomid. I usually O around cd15 on Clomid. I don't understand what's going on and it's really depressing me. If we don't see any growth at my next scan on Wednesday, they're going to cancel my cycle and up the Clomid for next month. Which means this whole month is a bust. I'm just hoping things grow in the next 2 days. Why can't I just get some GOOD news for once?!?

Adoption thoughts

I've had adoption on my mind a lot lately. Yes, we're still doing the IUIs, but I just have a bad feeling it won't work. Maybe I'm just scared, or maybe I've had so many months of failure that it's hard to believe it will ever actually happen. We thought that if the IUIs didn't work (not sure how many we were planning on trying), we'd just adopt. We've only had one IUI, so I don't know why I feel this way. However, that's not the point of this post.

I contacted a couple adoption agencies to get some info and fee sheets. None of that information was surprising, but the feeling it gave me was. I've always heard people say they just knew they would adopt. They felt it in their heart, or they felt God calling them to adopt, or they just knew their whole life they wanted to adopt someday. I'd like to say the same, but I can't. I watched a DVD from one of the agencies and felt nothing except sadness. Sadness that I'm even considering this. I don't want to adopt. I don't want to go to another country and pick up a 1-year-old child and bring it home to raise. That's really hard for me to say, but it's how I feel. I just don't feel it in my heart. I don't pray as much as I should, but I have prayed about this and I have no desire to adopt.

If I can't get pregnant, I hope my views change. I really do. And I almost don't want to post this because I'm afraid that I WILL have to adopt and I don't want people thinking I won't love my child. I will not go through the process if that's even a possibility. I also can't imagine living a childless life. I just really, really hope this works. If not, I may be willing to take further steps, depending on WHY it doesn't work. If it's something that can be overcome by IVF, I may be willing to try that. If I have an ovarian problem, maybe I can adopt an embryo. It's not a genetic link, but that's not my issue with adoption. I want to carry a child in my womb. More than anything, I want to experience pregnancy.

I also don't know how many IUIs I'm willing to try before seeking other options. We know we're willing to order more vials of sperm once these run out. We have 2 left. We'll probably choose a different donor. Not that we don't like ours, but we don't think the donor's characteristics are THAT important and another donor may work better with my eggs than this one. Who knows. We'll probably try at least 6 IUIs (2 donors) before we take more steps (depending on what my RE thinks about it). That takes us out to the end of June.

Hopefully, NONE of this will be an issue. Hopefully, I'll get knocked up at the doc's next week and have a great 9 months. Plus have a vial left for a sibling.

I never thought I'd be happy...

...to see AF, but I am!! I'm on CD2 and I start the Clomid tomorrow. I will go in on Feb. 21 for a follicle scan, and hopefully do my DIUI shortly after.

As far as my mood, it's definitely better, but I'm still a bit hormonal. I haven't gone a day this week without crying, and once the Clomid kicks in, that will probably start things up again. Other than that, everything is good. Unfortunately, the severe depression I've been feeling this week has caused my diet to go out the window. I've gained 3 pounds. I need to get back on track, and quick. Last time I felt like this, I gained 100 pounds. I can't have that happen! I've worked too hard to lose the 50 I've gotten off. I really want to be thin when I get pg so I'll have cute belly pics, but at the same time, I can't put off getting pg for 6-7 months. If I KNEW I couldn't get pg until I lost the weight, I'd get it off pretty quick, but I know that's not the case. And right now, getting pg is more important to me than looking good. I will NOT put it off myself just so I can lose weight. I realize being thinner would be healthier for me and the baby, but there are plenty of fat people that have healthy babies all the time. I know once I get over this depression, I'll be able to lose more weight. I just hope it happens soon.

Feelings (personal)

I probably should not even post right now, but that's what this blog is for, right? I don't even know how to start. What does a nervous breakdown feel like? I have been SO depressed that I can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm ready to give up on the whole TTC thing. I can't go through this anymore. I'm sure the hormones are magnifying things, but you try rationalizing your feelings. It doesn't make them any less painful. I feel loneliness. That's what it is. Usually, when people I know get pg, I get upset because it's not me, and have a hard time being happy for them. It's different with my friend, Liz. I'm completely ecstatic for her. I really am. But with that joy came a feeling I wasn't expecting. Loneliness.

You see, Liz has been my best friend through the last few months of this TTC journey. We met online, but we quickly developed a strong friendship that I think will last forever. We've been on a mini vacation together, she's met my family, I've been to her house. We talk online 12 hours a day, every day. I tell her everything, every feeling, every thought. She's going through the same thing. She's been TTC for 16 months with no luck. That all changed yesterday. She finally got her BFP. I was (and am) SO happy for her and proud of her. She totally deserves this. Then last night, I finally started to settle down and I was just overwhelmed by despair. I feel like I've been left behind. We post on a TTC message board and I have seen so many girls join, get pg, leave. And I'm still there. Never been pg. Never had that joy of seeing a + HPT. I cried myself to sleep last night. I haven't done that since we got Chris' SA results last September.

Work today was hard. I had to make myself concentrate on work and fight back tears all day. As soon as I got in my car after work, I lost it. The tears started flowing. I cried all the way home and I'm still crying. I don't want to tell Liz how upset I am because this is HER moment. She deserves this so much. She's been where I am. She knows how it feels. And I don't want to ruin this for her. Not that I think so highly of myself that I could actually make her feel bad, but you know what I mean. I hope this passes, and soon. I can't keep this up. I know it may sound extreme if you haven't been through this, but trust me, if you really want a baby and you can't make it happen no matter what you do, it's pretty damn hard to deal with.

I had a long talk with Chris last night and told him I wanted to start adoption paperwork if the next 2 cycles didn't work (we have 2 vials left). We'll probably buy more and keep trying while we're getting together the paperwork, but if these next 2 don't work, it's probably never going to happen. I just don't know if I'm ready for that. Some people seem to make that decision and be at peace, and I just can't see that yet. I can't see myself being happy unless I can carry a baby inside me. But I'm sure once I get a baby, no matter how it gets to me, all this pain and despair I'm feeling will be forgotten. But again, that doesn't make it any less real right now. I just want to curl up in bed and sleep. I can feel myself slipping into depression and I can't make it stop. And right now, I don't care.