Adoption thoughts

I've had adoption on my mind a lot lately. Yes, we're still doing the IUIs, but I just have a bad feeling it won't work. Maybe I'm just scared, or maybe I've had so many months of failure that it's hard to believe it will ever actually happen. We thought that if the IUIs didn't work (not sure how many we were planning on trying), we'd just adopt. We've only had one IUI, so I don't know why I feel this way. However, that's not the point of this post.

I contacted a couple adoption agencies to get some info and fee sheets. None of that information was surprising, but the feeling it gave me was. I've always heard people say they just knew they would adopt. They felt it in their heart, or they felt God calling them to adopt, or they just knew their whole life they wanted to adopt someday. I'd like to say the same, but I can't. I watched a DVD from one of the agencies and felt nothing except sadness. Sadness that I'm even considering this. I don't want to adopt. I don't want to go to another country and pick up a 1-year-old child and bring it home to raise. That's really hard for me to say, but it's how I feel. I just don't feel it in my heart. I don't pray as much as I should, but I have prayed about this and I have no desire to adopt.

If I can't get pregnant, I hope my views change. I really do. And I almost don't want to post this because I'm afraid that I WILL have to adopt and I don't want people thinking I won't love my child. I will not go through the process if that's even a possibility. I also can't imagine living a childless life. I just really, really hope this works. If not, I may be willing to take further steps, depending on WHY it doesn't work. If it's something that can be overcome by IVF, I may be willing to try that. If I have an ovarian problem, maybe I can adopt an embryo. It's not a genetic link, but that's not my issue with adoption. I want to carry a child in my womb. More than anything, I want to experience pregnancy.

I also don't know how many IUIs I'm willing to try before seeking other options. We know we're willing to order more vials of sperm once these run out. We have 2 left. We'll probably choose a different donor. Not that we don't like ours, but we don't think the donor's characteristics are THAT important and another donor may work better with my eggs than this one. Who knows. We'll probably try at least 6 IUIs (2 donors) before we take more steps (depending on what my RE thinks about it). That takes us out to the end of June.

Hopefully, NONE of this will be an issue. Hopefully, I'll get knocked up at the doc's next week and have a great 9 months. Plus have a vial left for a sibling.