Feelings (personal)

I probably should not even post right now, but that's what this blog is for, right? I don't even know how to start. What does a nervous breakdown feel like? I have been SO depressed that I can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm ready to give up on the whole TTC thing. I can't go through this anymore. I'm sure the hormones are magnifying things, but you try rationalizing your feelings. It doesn't make them any less painful. I feel loneliness. That's what it is. Usually, when people I know get pg, I get upset because it's not me, and have a hard time being happy for them. It's different with my friend, Liz. I'm completely ecstatic for her. I really am. But with that joy came a feeling I wasn't expecting. Loneliness.

You see, Liz has been my best friend through the last few months of this TTC journey. We met online, but we quickly developed a strong friendship that I think will last forever. We've been on a mini vacation together, she's met my family, I've been to her house. We talk online 12 hours a day, every day. I tell her everything, every feeling, every thought. She's going through the same thing. She's been TTC for 16 months with no luck. That all changed yesterday. She finally got her BFP. I was (and am) SO happy for her and proud of her. She totally deserves this. Then last night, I finally started to settle down and I was just overwhelmed by despair. I feel like I've been left behind. We post on a TTC message board and I have seen so many girls join, get pg, leave. And I'm still there. Never been pg. Never had that joy of seeing a + HPT. I cried myself to sleep last night. I haven't done that since we got Chris' SA results last September.

Work today was hard. I had to make myself concentrate on work and fight back tears all day. As soon as I got in my car after work, I lost it. The tears started flowing. I cried all the way home and I'm still crying. I don't want to tell Liz how upset I am because this is HER moment. She deserves this so much. She's been where I am. She knows how it feels. And I don't want to ruin this for her. Not that I think so highly of myself that I could actually make her feel bad, but you know what I mean. I hope this passes, and soon. I can't keep this up. I know it may sound extreme if you haven't been through this, but trust me, if you really want a baby and you can't make it happen no matter what you do, it's pretty damn hard to deal with.

I had a long talk with Chris last night and told him I wanted to start adoption paperwork if the next 2 cycles didn't work (we have 2 vials left). We'll probably buy more and keep trying while we're getting together the paperwork, but if these next 2 don't work, it's probably never going to happen. I just don't know if I'm ready for that. Some people seem to make that decision and be at peace, and I just can't see that yet. I can't see myself being happy unless I can carry a baby inside me. But I'm sure once I get a baby, no matter how it gets to me, all this pain and despair I'm feeling will be forgotten. But again, that doesn't make it any less real right now. I just want to curl up in bed and sleep. I can feel myself slipping into depression and I can't make it stop. And right now, I don't care.