In the beginning...

First, a little background. Chris and I met on a blind date when I was 15. His nephew, a close friend of mine, set us up when he came into town for a visit. My parents found out afterwards that he was 19, so they wouldn't let me go out with him anymore. We talked on the phone and wrote letters for a few months, but lost touch. Fast forward to age 17. Chris moved here to attend college and got an apartment with the same nephew (still a close friend). They invited my friend and I over to celebrate their new apartment and the rest is history. We started dating, got engaged a year later, and got married a year after that.

We both went to the same college. He graduated in 2001, I graduated in 2002, and he went back in 2003. I took a year off. In 2004, we both entered grad school and got our MBAs together (took every single class together). We finished in one year and planned to start trying for a baby as soon as we graduated.

October of 2004, our 5-year wedding anniversary, I went off birth control and we used other methods to avoid pregnancy. December was graduation and we started trying in January. We, like most couples, thought we would have unprotected sex a couple times and get pregnant. Well, little did WE know! I went to the ob/gyn in January for a pre-TTC (trying to conceive) visit. He put me on prenatal vitamins and said to call him when I got a + HPT (home pregnancy test).

Around March, I started worrying that something was wrong. Yes, I know it was only our third month, but my mom and sis both have endometriosis and my sis had 2 m/c (miscarriages). So I borrowed a fertility monitor from a friend of my sister. My brother's wife had used the same one and got pg within 4 months, so it must work well, right? Ha! I remember getting the monitor and being SO excited to start using it. It was so cool to see that little eggy on the screen.

Fast forward to August. We had been TTC for 8 months now, and being big into statistics, I knew 80% of couples get pg within the first 6 months. Well, I called my doc and he had me come in for an exam. He did every blood test under the sun, along with an ultrasound. They found a couple cysts, but not too big.

A week later, the doc's office called. Diagnosis: PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). The cysts pointed towards that, but the blood tests confirmed it. My testosterone was slightly higher than normal, and my FSH to LH ratio was over 3, which is another indicator. The doc suggested I start temping and keeping a chart of my temps, along with using the monitor. He also started me on Clomid, 50mg.

I cried when he told me. I knew that PCOS meant it would be harder to get pg. Although my case wasn't severe and didn't seem to even be stopping my ovulation, I was still worried. I immediately bought a BBT thermometer and started temping. I was also a little excited because we finally figured it out and the Clomid would help and we'd be pg in no time.

I was starting to get really worried. We were creeping up on 9 months. And it seemed like EVERYONE was pg. How in the world did they time it to be pg just as I was starting to suffer the 'no baby' blues? Actually, this started a few months ago, but started getting really bad when I got the PCOS dx. I would like to say I didn't feel sorry for myself and say, why me, but that would be a lie. I just added another dx to my list that started 3-4 years ago and includes melanoma, basal cell carcinoma, Crohn's Disease, arthritis (due to Crohn's), melanoma again. You get the picture. I felt like something was seriously wrong with my body.

In September, I went for my 6-week follow-up with the doc. I showed him my charts, explained how perfect the BD timing had been, and cried about the fact that we STILL weren't pg, even after 2 cycles of Clomid. He asked if Chris had gotten a SA (semen analysis). No, not yet. He was out of vacation days and didn't know if he could take off enough time to get it done. He told me that I needed to give the Clomid another 2 months, then have laparoscopy done if I still wasn't pg. That scared Chris into scheduling a SA. In the meantime, I was looking at my schedule and planning on when to have the surgery. We just KNEW nothing would be wrong with Chris.

September 30, 2005. My ob/gyn called and said he got the results of Chris' SA. "I think we have uncovered the problem." I'll never forget those words. At first I thought, well, it's just a low count-we can fix that with vitamins. Not so. The count was barely there. 220 thousand when it should have been >40 MILLION. Ok, well, that's only one of 3 factors. Motility-0% rapid progressive and 88% completely IMMOTILE. Ok, this is NOT sounding good. But there's still morphology. Nope. 0% normal. ZERO. How could this be happening? Then my doc said, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to refer you to a specialist. The best chance would be through IVF with ICSI." I was crushed. Devastated. Hopeless. It was so hard. I cried on the phone with the doc and he kept apologizing for doing this to me on a Friday, but does that really matter? I mean, he had just given me life-altering news. Who cares what day it was on? I asked him what our chances of conceiving naturally were, and he said, "I've seen it happen, but it's very rare." In other words, miracles happen, but don't hold your breath.

I called Chris and broke the news, through my sobs. He was shocked, to say the least. I was at work, standing out in the parking lot, just crying my heart out. After talking to Chris, I called my mom and told her the news. I could hear her heartbreak in her voice. Not for the fact that it would be hard and expensive to have her a grandchild (she already has 2), but for the fact that she knew my heart was breaking.

After half an hour, I made it back into my office and tried to hold it together for the rest of the day. I called the clinic and got an appointment set up for Nov. 7. I think the shock of it helped keep me from breaking down. Until that night. I got home and just sobbed uncontrollably for hours. I woke up the next morning crying, and cried all day. I went to my niece's 1st birthday party that next night, where I saw a 2-week old baby and a lady that was due in 2 weeks. It was like rubbing salt in a wound.

I made it through the weekend and managed to pull myself out of bed for work Monday. It was hard, but I had to get out. I had locked myself in the house practically all weekend. Chris wasn't too happy about it, either. He wants a baby as bad as I do, and was just as devastated as I was, just without all the tears. Monday morning I called the clinic back to see if I could get an appointment any sooner. They found something on Oct. 26th (ironically, the one-year anniversary of the day I lost my beloved dog to cancer).

So now, we're just trying to make it through the next 2 weeks, while we're dying with excitement, nervousness, and anticipation. I've bought 3 IVF books and am learning all I can. It does sound like my doc and the clinic's recommendation is right on par with what I've read. ICSI is going to be the way to go. We've decided (in this short amount of time), that we'd do everything possible to use Chris' sperm, but if that's not possible, we'd do donor sperm. And if that doesn't work, on to adoption. There's more that has happened, but I'll have to add those things later (like the financial issues, insurance, etc.).

I WILL hold a baby of my own in my arms one day.