The end

After 16 months of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant, enduring tests, blood draws, procedures, bad news, more tests, surgery, donor inseminations, and month after month of negative pregnancy tests, we've decided to end our TTC journey. We realize that maybe God has different plans for us than we thought. The more and more we thought about it, the more we realized adoption was our chosen path. We will now begin down this path with hope in our hearts and a lot of love to give to our forever child. Our new journey will be told on this blog:
www.chrisnstephsadoption.blogspot.com

Not looking good

My temps went down a little today and the tests are still negative. I'm 11dpIUI, so it's still early, but I was hoping something would show by now. I'm starting to think this cycle failed. These failures are SO hard to handle. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.

BFN!! Yay!

Yesterday and today's tests were both negative, so it looks like all the HCG trigger is out of my system. My temps are following previous months' patterns, so no indication of anything there. I'll just keep testing until I know something one way or the other. In the meantime...

I went to my injection training class yesterday. It was pretty cool. I got a Follistim pen and my rx was sent to the special pharmacy. One cartridge of 900iu, which should last one cycle, is $590. They are checking with my insurance to see if it's covered, but I looked it up on the drug list and it's not covered. I called a local pharmacy and the exact same drug is $950! The special pharmacy is the one the clinic recommended. I told them I wouldn't need it for another 5 weeks, if at all. Hopefully not at all!

We also went to the adoption class and I think we're leaning towards Vietnam. The director didn't like the fact that we were thinking about starting the process before completing infertility treatments. She said she didn't want to have to put us on hold if we get preggo. Anyway, that's the latest update. Hopefully none of it will matter because hopefully I'm already pregnant!

Still positive

I think I explained in an earlier post that due to the HCG trigger shot I got last Monday, I would have positive HPTs (home preg. tests) for a while. Last month, I tested at 6dpo and it was negative. This month, I ordered 25 HPTs online (cheap) and started testing daily at 3dpo. It has been positive every day so far, but it's getting fainter. It should go away completely, then hopefully come back around 12dpo. I've heard of women getting a positive at 8 or 9dpo, but I won't get upset until I get to 12dpo and it's still negative. Another week of testing and I should know something!

Adoption

Chris and I talked a LOT this weekend (we went out of town-10 hours in the car in 2 days) about adoption. I'm still not ready to do it right NOW, but I'm definitely getting more comfortable with it. If this cycle fails, we've decided to go ahead and select an agency and apply. It's only a few hundred dollars to take this step. If the next cycle fails, we may go ahead and get started on the Home Study (a required interview/inspection at our home by a social worker before we can be approved for adoption). It's around a grand, but if I happen to get pregnant in the meantime, I won't be upset at ALL. If we go too far into it, we may end up getting pregnant and getting a referral for adoption at the same time, but we decided that's ok, too. We'd have a ready-made family. As long as I'm not traveling overseas while I'm 8 months pregnant or something! I don't think my doc would allow that!

The very first step is selecting an agency, so we've been researching a few of them online. It's quite overwhelming, but we've found a few we really like. One of them is Children's Hope International. They have an office locally, and they're holding a free information meeting tomorrow night, so we signed up. I hope we get a lot of good information. We've also narrowed down our donor list to about 10 and if this cycle fails, we'll purchase the extended profiles (which include baby pictures of the donors) of the ones on our list. It's a lot of work, but it will all be worth it in the end.

Sharing

I’d like to share a passage I read today in “Conquering Infertility” by Dr. Alice Domar. It’s very appropriate for anyone considering egg/sperm (gamete) donation or adoption. I tried to read it to Chris and we both ended up in tears. I suppose it’s more meaningful to us, since we’re in the middle of it. I’m almost finished with this book and I highly recommend it. It’s been right on target with my thoughts and feelings.

“If you don’t believe you can accept adoption or gamete donation-if you’re thinking as you read this, ‘Forget it. If I can’t have my own baby I don’t want any baby’-I urge you to push those thoughts aside for a short time and read this chapter anyway. Even if the idea of adoption depresses you, if egg donation seems unnatural and surrogacy seems freaky, I still encourage you to read on. Here’s why: Very few people start off liking these parenting alternatives. But other time most couples come around to being okay, and eventually very happy, with these choices. They read, they discuss, they think, they let it simmer. They talk with other couples who have taken these paths. They read some more and think some more and agonize some more. Gradually their discomfort turns to acceptance. Their acceptance turns to excitement. And when they hold their baby in their arms-their adopted baby or their sperm donor baby or their egg donor baby or their gestational-carried baby-their excitement turns to sheer, unmitigated joy. Finally, after all those years of dreaming, they are parents. Maybe not genetic parents, but real parents nonetheless-the people who will love and raise and parent that child forever. You may think of the word ‘parent’ as only a noun, not a verb, but I disagree-in my mind it is the most perfect of verbs. What matters most is not where a child came from or whose genes she’s carrying around inside her, but who will love her, who will hold her all night long when she has a 103-degree fever and a double-ear infection, who will help her with her math homework, who will walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. Her real parents are the people who parent her.”

The good, the bad, and the scary

Good: we have a solid plan
Bad: the plan doesn't last long
Scary: injectibles and IVF are coming soon

I had my 'what's next if this one fails' appointment today. I LOVE my RE. He's the nicest, most caring doctor and he's the founder and director of one of the two fertility clinics in Nashville. I have to have a plan in place at all times, so this appointment was very comforting for me. We went over a lot, so pull up a chair.

He feels confident of the timing of the IUIs since each time it was 15-17 days after the IUI that I got AF. That's how they judge the timing of past cycles. Last one was 17 days and I expressed my concern that my temp didn't rise for 2 days after the IUI and showed him my BBT chart. He looked at it and said it does appear that the timing was off, but it was unlikely. He also said this cycle is perfect. My lining is great, I had two mature follicles, the timing was impeccable. He said it's not common to see follicles that nice on Clomid. He was very pleased and very hopeful for this cycle.

That being said, we decided on what to do if it fails. I will be attending an injection class next week so I'll be ready if/when that time comes. Next cycle, I'll order 3-6 vials of sperm (I'm thinking 3). I'll have another HSG in my follicular phase to make sure my surgery was successful and everything is still clear. I'll take 100mg of Clomid (this is double what I've taken in the past).

If that cycle fails, we'll move on to FSH injections, unless I O'd nicely on Clomid, then we may give it one more. The max amount of cycles on injections is two, after which we'll pull out the big guns. IVF is our only other option if I want to carry a baby.

I asked if I would need another lap for the endo and he said he was a little concerned about the nodule. Apparently, they found a mass of endo (different from regular endo) and it was on my rectum, so they couldn't completely remove it. He also said my chances go down after each lap, so he didn't want to do anymore. IVF is a way around that, since endo wouldn't affect that.

I asked him if we still had the option of IVF/ICSI with Chris' sperm, given the newest results. He said we would have to do another FSH test on him (high FSH indicates testicular failure and it was borderline high in September) and one more SA. If his FSH increased and his count decreased, it is unlikely we'll be able to use his. Either way, he wants us to have a donor backup if/when we begin IVF. If they can't get a few good sperm from Chris, they can resort to the donor. I asked again if his SA indicated anything bad, like testicular cancer, and the doc seemed to think there was no medical problem like that. They did a LOT of blood tests (about $1200 worth) on Chris back in September and he was ok. I guess it just happens to some men. Just like some women have early ovarian failure, maybe?

I'm happy that we have a plan, but I'm scared. I hope we don't have to worry about any of this, but you never know. As my mom said, this is going to end up being the million dollar baby. Actually, we're only up to $28,000+ so far, in total billed amount. IVF will add another easy $15k. I hope our baby always realizes how much s/he was wanted!

The wait begins! (again)

Today's insemination went beautifully. The count was 129million, with 40million motile sperm. They like to see over 10million in a thawed sample, so it was like having FOUR vials. :-) Here's the coolest part: when the nurse got the catheter in my cervix and attached the syringe of sperm, she looked at Chris and said, "You wanna do this?" He just looked at her and said, "Do what??" She said, "Push the plunger on the syringe." He looked at me and I said, "Heck yeah!" So he pushed the plunger in and sent the swimmers on their way to meet my two waiting eggs. He had the biggest grin on his face after that. I think it really helped his mood (he's having a very stressful day at work). It was really neat for me, too, and now I can say my husband got me pregnant. LOL.

I really feel great about this month. Everything was SO perfect. Oh, and I have been having O pains for 4 days now and they got really sharp around noon today and I haven't had any pain since. I think I ovulated at noon, just 3 hours before the IUI. I don't think the timing could have been more perfect.

So if this cycle works, we'll wait until after the first trimester and order more of this same donor for a future sibling. If it doesn't work, we're going to select another donor. We'll have a donor chosen (we're using Xytex this time-they have more selection and online catalogs) so we can order it as soon as we know we need it. My RE likes to do things in rounds of 3, which is why we bought 3 vials of the first donor. He had said after 3 IUIs, we'd reevaluate the situation.

Here's my dilemma: if I wait to see if this cycle fails, I'd have NO time to get in to see him, discuss what he wants us to do, etc. Plus, the nurse said he usually goes to injectibles after 3 failed Clomid cycles. That means going to an injection class, which is only held on Tuesdays at 1pm. I should see AF on a Wednesday, so the class would be too late to make next cycle work. We'd lose a whole cycle. Soooo...I have an appointment with him tomorrow to discuss our options in case this one fails. If he wants to do injectibles, I can go to the class next Tuesday, and be ready to order the meds as soon as AF shows, if she does. He may not even want to do injectibles, since I've only had 2 cycles since my surgery, but I don't want to take the chance of missing a cycle, you know?

Whew, that was long-winded. I really do feel optimistic about this cycle, but I'm doing all this just in case. The only thing worse than this cycle failing would be having a whole month to think about how and why it failed without being able to try again.